Thursday, May 31, 2012
Poem to a Former Friend
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
"People Who Need People" - And a View on Friendship
“People…people who need people…” Barbara Streisand sang in her sixties’ movie, Funny Girl. “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world!”
Streisand’s singing was over- the- top, music speaks to the soul, and there is so much truth in the song.
We need to recognize that we need people. At the same time, though, I have noticed that the need can cloud our vision.
We all know the classic stories where someone stays with an abusive boyfriend (or girlfriend) because she (or he) “needs” the person.
Even in friendship, our need for people can affect our ability to see clearly. Maybe this person we see as a friend is a wonderful person; but maybe she is not the best person for us to have as a close friend.
Or we might find out, as I did recently, that the friend simply wanted to help in some way, but not to be mutual friends, or at least not close friends as we may have thought.
I used to think that if I liked someone a lot, all I had to do was let them know - in whatever way, maybe in various ways – and then that person, that potential friend, would feel the same way.
I’ve learned it doesn’t work that way. Sure, maybe you already knew that. Maybe you’re shaking your head at the naivete of that statement. But often, when we think things of that nature, we don’t really think them through; I think they are often subconscious thoughts. And we act on them without thinking.
Maybe we’ve learned to ignore the warning bells that go off in our head. Maybe as we first got to know each other, we had angry arguments. ‘But that’s okay’, we think. ‘We got past that, and it’s normal.’
But did we really communicate? Do we really communicate? If we had a big misunderstanding in the future, would we be able to talk it out? Or is one person constantly either apologizing or tip-toeing, as I did with one friend many years ago? Or are we constantly having doubts about the friendship?
Maybe it isn’t us. Maybe it isn’t even “them”. Maybe it’s a “friendship” that isn’t meant to be.
As a lover of beautiful cars, I can admire scores of cars and never want them. As someone who now lives in a rented apartment, I enjoy the beautiful homes - or the cozy homes - of my friends, without wanting a home like theirs for myself. Maybe the same could apply to enjoying someone’s company, admiring someone’s character and personality. Because I like someone doesn’t mean I have to become really good friends with that person, share confidences, and spend a lot of time together. Maybe we can just enjoy our neighborly hello, or our working together, and or however we see the person, and leave it at that.
Like the old balance scales, where you put something on one side and an equal weight on the other, there is a balance to be sought in our thinking. Some people, it seems, avoid friendship - at least close friendship - like the plague. ‘All that matters is family’, they say, or: “God and family”. Maybe they are overwhelmed with their family duties. Maybe they have a spouse who wants to cling or possess. Maybe they’ve been hurt in the past. But wouldn’t they be happier with a broader view of life? Wouldn’t life be a little bit easier with a broader base of support?
Perhaps the best thing we can do is to be our own best friend first. When someone whom I respect told me to nurture myself, I was puzzled until she told me to think in terms of what I “want” to do, rather than what I “should” do. Think about it. Which feels better: ‘I should make dinner’ or ‘I want to make dinner for my family that I love’?....‘I should exercise so I will be healthy’ or ‘I want to walk and feel good and feel good about my health’?
I thought about it more. What is my self-talk? What is your self-talk? Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself?
We need God first and foremost, but people do need people. That’s how He made us. And he told us to love our neighbor as ourselves. So, obviously, He wants us to love ourselves. Perhaps we need to be our own best friend first…and then ask for his guidance…and keep our hearts open…to connect with those people with whom we can have mutually healthy friendships, because “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Verse for a Broken Friendship
Sometimes I feel it beating like a drum.
Friendship rent in two.
Oh, what did we do?
Where does it go?
Where does friendship go when it disappears?
Does it go into the sea?
Does it go up like a balloon?
Does it settle like dust upon the moon?
Or on a stair? Does it go anywhere?
Where does it go?
Where does friendship go when it disappears?
Is it still in the heart, breaking it apart?
Does it flutter against the bars like a caged bird?
Where, oh, where does it go?
Where does friendship go - when it disappears?
Monday, March 12, 2007
When We Love a Friend
When We Love a Friend
When we love a friend, we want to be needed.
We wouldn't wish the one we love any needs,
In order for us to have needs to fill...
Not for anything in the world!
But if she has needs,
We want to know.
When we love a friend, we want to be helpful.
We may not always know the best things to do,
In order for us to be helpful...
We may even say the "wrong" thing.
But if we can be helpful,
We want to be there.
When we love a friend, we want to share.
We want to tell our stories, our joys and sorrows,
In order to hear her sympathy and her laughter...
We might even feel we've been a little selfish.
But we know she has stories, too, and
We want to hear them.
When we love a friend, we want to be thankful.
We want her to know how much it means to have her friendship,
In order to grow, to be a better person...
We may not always be able to show it,
But we want her to know that
We want to thank God...
When we love a friend.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
"Electronic Friendship"
ELECTRONIC FRIENDSHIP
The Joys and Frustrations of Connecting, or Re-Connecting, Online
by Margaret Mary Myers
Friendship is surely God's greatest gift on earth. Our friendship with Him is an insurpassable blessing and privilege. But He also made us for friendship with our fellow travelers on this voyage that we call life. I am not putting friendship above marriage, as happily married spouses are also friends to one another. But those who are married need other friends besides the one.
Friendship is the very great joy of those who are not married, as well. From my observation of several single or widowed ladies in my youth, they seemed just as happy as married women, and sometimes much happier than some married women I knew. Their secret? Their friendships.
I am not putting friendship above family either, whether immediate or extended, because good family ties involve varying degrees of friendship with the family members. Friendship being so important, and so rewarding, it comes as no surprise, then, that a new mode of communication would become a new "powerhouse" of connection with friends, both old and new. And that is why I named this chat, "Electronic Friendship". Not only does the internet provide us with an inexpensive means of keeping in touch with our old friends who may live at a distance, but it also sometimes provides us with a source of new friends, as dear as some of those we have first met in person.
ADVANTAGES: Emails can be sent at the convenience of the sender, and received at the convenience of the receiver. No worry about whether or not the other person is busy or our schedules mesh. And emails travel through space with the rapidity of the angels. Like the angels, when we are doing email, we are often speaking heart to heart, soul to soul. Consequently, it is easy to communicate on a deep personal basis, seeking and giving encouragement, sympathy, understanding; sharing at a deep level.
Sometimes in sharing with others, through writing, reading what we've written, and reading their response, we learn more about ourselves, and grow personally, as well as sometimes helping the other person to do the same. I have been able to keep in touch with my sister-in-law and dear friend by email when I couldn't afford the money and time for long phone calls with her. I have been able to develop a close personal friendship with a lady who was at my church, by communicating through email, and when she moved away, our friendship was as strong as ever, as we were able to continue our electronic communication uninterrupted.
SERENDIPIDITIES: How many wonderful surprises I have had through email! I imagine that is true of some other people also. When I was contacted about my thirty year high school reunion a few years ago, the lady who contacted me asked if I had email. I said yes, and we found we had homeschooling in common. We formed a new friendship where there had been none when we were in school, now communicating principally by email. Now we not only chat on email every now and then, but when I go to my home town, we can easily talk on the phone for an hour or more at a time. Another former classmate and I met online and talked about some of the things that had happened in high school. Although we were not unkind to each other in school, I think we would have been named "least likely to be friends" in high school, had there been such a designation; but now she has enriched my life in many ways and is one of my great inspirations.
One of my sons put up a website and told his message board friends about it. One of them offered to help him improve the graphics and other aspects of his website. Now it is a group project, although they still consult my son for his opinion and final word on any changes and updates. Recently, two days in a row, they had a thousand visits to the home page. Not only is it good for his self-esteem but he is learning so much about computers and the internet that he might not have learned as well in a classroom.
The greatest serendipity in my own life has been how God brings good out of bad, how my youngest son lost much of his vision, and I gained so many wonderful friends. I have found a whole community of resources to fill his needs, and the support to fill mine. I formed friendships at various levels, some acquaintances, some closer friends. Among these, I have gained a few very close, dear friends.
DISADVANTAGES: I said that in communicating by internet, we often communicate like angels, on a heart to heart basis. However, we are not angels. Oh dear. No, we have bodies and souls. We have five senses, more or less. I say more or less because some of the people I know, and have known, are deaf, or blind, or are not able to smell or taste. But we all have the use of at least some of the five senses. And there isn't much of that involved in communicating by email. We feel the keyboard or the braille or we hear the synthetic speech; and if we are sighted, we see the print. But it is not a personal thing, like touching a friend, or like seeing someone's face or their handwriting, seeing the stationery they have chosen, smelling the perfume on their stationery, or hearing the voice, inflections, and laugh of a friend. As wonderful as it is to be able to communicate electronically, sometimes there is the desire to stretch it to a fuller dimension, to be in touch with the person as a whole person, not just in touch with the wonderful depth of the soul but with the body and our senses as well.
Sometimes we even do have the opportunity to meet an online friend in person. But sometimes we don't have the time or money to do so and can only dream of being able to sometime in the future. Normally in friendship there are some kinds of shared activities, whether working on a project together, sharing a meal or snack, or some form of recreation. This is something that is usually missing in an internet connection. Another drawback is that it is easy to say things that we might not otherwise say, whether unwise or too personal. Sometimes we say things that are right but, without body language or "vibes", they come through differently than we mean them to. It is also perhaps easier to fall into whatever personal "phobias" or "neuroses" that some of us may have, be it manipulating, smothering, neglecting, feeling insecure, or not communicating our needs and our feelings about how the other person communicates. It is perhaps harder to overcome these without the personal connection of the whole person -- with no body language or voice inflections than we can "read". Sometimes, when this is our deepest or our only form of communication with someone, it hurts when it is withdrawn. A friend might get so deeply involved with email that he or she feels the need to cut it off entirely for the sake of his or her home life. Then we may be left without communication with that person.
ENRICHMENT: While our internet friendships enrich our lives, we can also enrich our internet friendships. Some people send pictures of themselves, and perhaps of their family or friends, by email, website, or even by snail mail, to their email friends. Some people who meet or chat online also call their friends on the phone. We can send a greeting card, either an ecard or by snail mail, or we can occasionally send a snail mail letter. We can share what we have written for publication (or at least "hopefully for publication someday"). If we know or can find out what the other person likes, we may be able to send small, easy-to-mail gifts, a nice-smelling sachet or hand lotion for a lady, or a pressed flower, or a book; or maybe even a small food gift, thus sharing our food, even if we cannot sit down to a meal together. One friend of mine asked me about my shopping choices and has sent me many coupons over the months. If only we could find a way to send a hug.
SOURCES: So how do you find online friends? Besides finding out which of your local or long-distance friends have email, another way is to get on an egroup with other people who have the same interests or needs. One good source of egroups is at: http://www.groups.yahoo.com There you can find categories to browse, or type your interest into their search box. And just sign up and introduce yourself.
BENEFITS: The benefits of online communication are great and far outweigh any weaknesses, in my opinion. Where else, in today's fast-paced world, could we meet so many new friends, develop such deep friendships, share values and concerns as we go about similar or varied responsibilities, and obtain so much support and affirmation? What a wonderful opportunity and blessing the internet can be in our lives and that of our friends!